I’m not an expert on parenting by any means so take what I
say here as you wish. I’m not going to point to research done either way or
anything like that because if you really want to find those you can just google
them. And if you want to find research that supports your particular
inclination or view on this subject I’m sure you can. Also, this post is not
about judging what other people do. I don’t judge as I don’t want to be judged.
This post is about sharing my views.
This is the way I see it. The general consensus in the pro
crying it out camp I see is that you need to teach your kids to be independent,
that a kid who has been fed and changed doesn’t need anything else. If they cry
after all those “basic needs” are met, then they are trying to manipulate us
and we should let them cry because they have to learn. I remember when our son
was a toddler; there was a mom in the playgroup my wife used to take him to who
took photos of her daughter with her fingers showing under the door of her
bedroom as she wanted to get out. This is the bedroom where she was put and let
to cry so she would learn and not bother her parents.
Well none of this makes sense to me. One of the things which
is happening in our society is teenagers who are out of control; teenagers who drink
and do drugs, and whatever other rebellious things they do. I can’t prove that
any of these actions are connected to the crying it out, I’m sure there is
research out there, but let me see if my point of view makes sense to anyone
else besides me.
When the kids are babies we are trying to teach them that
they can cry all they want and we won’t come. The kid is crying because he has
a basic instinct which all mammals have, the instinct to be with her parents. We’re
the only mammal species who wants to separate from our children as soon as they
are born. OK, let’s say that we have now taught our kids that crying will not
get our attention, we just won’t come. Let’s forward the clock 13+ years. Who
do we have? We have teenagers. We know the teenage years are hard and we want
to help our kids during this stage. But remember what we taught our babies. We taught
them that no matter how much they call us (babies can only call us with crying)
we’re not coming. So how can we expect our teenage kids to trust us and know
that we will be there for them? We have taught them that we’re not. Some people
who I have said this to have answered me with “babies won’t remember”. Well, if
they don’t remember why do we even spend the time to teach them not to bother
us by not answering them when they cry? Of course they remember, and we know
they do, or we wouldn’t spend the time teaching them when they are babies. And
then when they are teenagers we want them to come to us after we broke their
trust when they were first born and they were the most vulnerable. They didn’t
have their friends to go to, only us. But now they have their friends, and
that’s who they trust and go to. It is no wonder to me that teenagers think we
parents are worthless, and we will not be there for them, and we don’t care
about them.
How many times we have heard after a shooting at a school by
some teenager, people saying “we had no idea they were so upset. They never
told us about it.” Why would they? They know we don’t care. We taught them that.
We made it plain and simple when they were babies.